ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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