I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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