You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
