Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
