look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How external is "for external use only"?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
They are going to name an STD after you.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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