hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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