my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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