I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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