The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
