So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Randomize
