So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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