There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
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She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
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So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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