dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just pee around me
The Olympian is in my bed
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
