You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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