Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
