you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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