When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
