I skipped work to stalk him.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
