There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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