He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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