Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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