My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
