It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
