Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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