How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
