Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
