my shit smells like andre
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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