I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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