I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
