hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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