I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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