how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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