The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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