YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
