Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Floor bacon is actually really good
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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