just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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