I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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