i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
