just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno