I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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