If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
