forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
