i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
