I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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