I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
