the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
