Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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