Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
What drink are we having for lunch?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
