I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
