he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
